August 23, 2003
Snapping Synapses
I like that I am now eighteen, adult by every standard except for alcohol consumption and that one store in Boys Town, and I am employed at an institution where I can do things completely un-related to my actual job and get paid for it.
Right now I am eating stale Tostitos. I love Tostitos, but I do not know why I am eating stale ones. There are fresh ones on top of the refrigerator. I think it is my Ohio/Mid-western-ness that will not allow me to open a new bag; I was not alive during the depression. My strongest memory about that time is someone else telling me about how much she loved jello but could not have it during the time.
One time I brought some Chow Mein noodles out to snack on because I love them. One of my friends grabbed them and started eating them. "These taste like crap," she declared, then continued to shovel them in for a few more minutes.
Today I wrote seven or eight pages in my journal. It was theraputic and full of revelations. My head is fucked up from missing people and knowing that I have changed but not knowing how this change is really going to change the way I interact with people.
Temporarily at least, I have some confidence. One of the guys from the snack bar, whose name I should really learn because he has done things like hold stuff for me and drive me places in the golf cart so I would not have to walk with heavy bags, was quite confused by my confidence/oddness. I was practicing the straw crunching thing Adrienne taught me at Northwestern and I needed another straw, so I went up to the snack bar. He was ready to get me food and I had to explain that I just wanted to play with the straws. I then went on to pick one up and demonstrate my new party trick, he asked me if that was all I did while there and yeah. Me five weeks ago probably would not have done that.
I am not sure if there is any BIG difference with me, but I keep on noticing a lot of little things.
Now a couple of excerpts from my productive journaling session, this helps me to determine if they still stand up or not:
"Sometimes it is easier to relate to soem of the Northwestern people because we changed in similar ways and part of that growth was to adapt and to relative to each otehr better. Now the reason for our adaptations are gone, but our mutations are here to stay at least for a little while, until we need to grow new teeth for another situation.
"Introspection and intellectualism, two habits that lead to consideration of both sides of an issue and intelligent arguments, are not strongly supported or favored. They're usually considered to be personality flaws, especially in these yaers of the Bush administration. God forbid a discourse could impact the synapses."
Obviously it seemed better at the time.
I worked with a new person that I will probably never work with again, but she was mostly fun and interesting to work with. She told me about her daughter, who is a writer and also makes really fantastic dolls so she is going to work on getting her some kind of corporate deal. She also told me way too much information about her divorce considering I only knew her for a few hours: information on how her husband cheated on her, how she found out, etc. I guess it is a good thing people feel like they can open up with me, I just hope that their faith is not too mis-placed.
I finally saw Wonder Boys all the way through tonight after having seen the first ten minutes or so two other times. I love the movie, obviously, and have decided that Robert Downey Jr. can get as high as he wants as long as he stays healthy because he is a phenomenal actor and he does not belong in jail, ever. I never really cared to put people in jail for drug crimes, anyway. Tobey McGuire was also great and it makes me sad that he had to be in Spiderman for people to know who he was. He does creepy so well.
Somehow I am going to figure out a way to do everything I want to do. I keep on finding more things I want to do and making it work may not be easy, but I think if I do a little more thinking for myself rather than thinking about what others will think, I should be good. Fuck those that do not realize what is best for my welfare.
I am just all pissy tonight. But writing really did make me better.
Love,
Mandy