February 8, 2004
Novice Novel
I spent a lot of this weekend terrified of starting a novel. Even though I am a novice and not much is expected of me, I have unreasonably high expectations of myself. I am not aiming for the great American novel but I am aiming for something people really enjoy. At least one or two. Well, more than that I am aiming for something that I can be proud of when it is just me and my computer.
One of the problems is I did not know exactly what I was going to write about. I had, have several ideas but I was not sure which one I really wanted to pursue.
I have not been this nervous about something in a long time. All weekend my stomach has been in knots and I have just felt miserable. I thought about going to my Lit teacher, who agreed to be my editor/person on my back forcing me to do all this and tell him, nevermind, I cannot do it. I am a journalist and occasional poet, that is it. Twist my arm and maybe I can write a short story, but you are going to have to twist my arm clean off to get me to write a novel.
Except I would never do that. I would not be able to stand myself, backing down like that. What a wimpy thing to do. So I am going to try to write this thing and probably it will suck but at least I can have my first sucky novel out of the way and maybe I can move on to something good.
Except secretly I think, a whopping four and a half pages in without an outline or much of a clear idea of where it is going to go, it is not too bad. Already I have done a couple of clever things with symbolism and all that. I just hope that my hope of writing poetry to add more depth to my prose is not going to result in ridiculous prose.
To help me along with all of this my plan is to read as much as possible, find inspiration wherever I can. I do not write fiction very often and I think it always takes me some time to adjust back to it, to get into that kind of voice. Obviously my own voice and not someone else's, but still some kind of fiction voice. So this weekend I finished Wonder Boys and next weekend I will try to read The House on Mango Street and then maybe the weekend after that I will try to read one of the books by the authors my creative writing teacher thought I was similar too.
It is exciting but so frightening. This is definitely the most terrifying thing I have ever done. Maybe when I am done I will go bungee jumping or something, I think I should be able to handle anything. I could possibly ::gasp:: have a real romantic relationship where I am not pulling stupid shit.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Quick comment on current events: the Janet Jackson thing definitely was not that big of a deal. Get over it, I am thinking about writing an article about how the FCC does not really take care of the citizenry anymore (radio conglomerates anyone?). Essentially how the FCC is only serving conservative interests, if anything. Stupid FCC. And it is all kinds of sexist and horrible that Janet Jackson took the fall completely and that both R. Kelly and Justin Timberlake can still attend the awards show.
Eww, Beyonce just won a Grammy. Hell may be freezing over.
Love,
Mandy