February 15, 2004
Dizzy and Unsafe
There were two times today that I wondered if I have any idea as to what I want.
One was in the downtown library. I am afraid I am just as hypocritical as many a liberal. For a while I was fine but then a guy sat next to me with headphones that I could hear far too well who kept on breathing heavily. I wanted to turn to ask him if he was ok but the wheezing kind of freaked me out, I did not think clicking a mouse would wind one so much. Then there were several other people who seemed to be homeless.
All of this while I read up on NAFTA and how some jobs are being moved down to Mexico, displacing and dislocating many an unskilled worker. And I cannot even sit next to the people for more than a few hours.
Originally my intention was to take a lunch break then return to the library, but when I left I was dizzy from the smell of stale cigarette smoke I no longer felt safe or happy. I wanted to go back to where I knew I was protected and sheltered from reality, at least for a little while.
This from the girl who desperately wants to live in the city. I think part of what bothered me is that downtown Columbus has most of the downsides of most cities but there are a lot less people around. I only saw four people walking from the library to my mother's office and edgy as I was I started wondering who would hear me if I screamed. Granted its daylight and granted I was being paranoid. But in a bigger city there would be lots of people; there would be enough noise that I would not be able to focus on one man's breathing for forty-five minutes while I read the same things over and over about John Edwards position on NAFTA.
The other moment came tonight at an all girl's surprise party for a friend of mine. I am wondering if I am truly girly enough to handle Smith. I had a good time but when the conversation turned to how would you like to be asked to prom and lamenting about being single I mostly listened and hoped for time to pass quickly. I do not even know if I really want to go to prom, I feel like I am one of those people who should not. I want several of my friends to go more than I want to go myself. And should I go, all I know is that I would not want to be asked in a public way that put me in the spot. As far as the single status goes, for once I am pretty happy to be single; it feels right. At this point I am not relationship material; I am extremely selfish and it feels like the key to my survival these days.
It seems to futile to waste my energy hoping for a boyfriend I know I would treat poorly, a guy I would essentially use. I am not sure what it is I need right now but I know it is more than any one person can offer, so I have a feeling that I need to look within myself a little more rather than at the males around me for solutions. Even if it is easier to do the second thing.
My favorite radio station, who my friend Lindsay will be interning for in a month or two because she is super cool, is having a kind of bitter break up weekend for those who take Valentine's Day hard. It made me smile to hear "Blister in the Sun", which always makes me think of My So-Called Life and getting over relationships, but I was just as happy to hear "Sara's Smile."
Neither song came in handy playing Encore tonight, but Kara and I kicked ass at Scene It to the point that we are not allowed to be on the same team anymore. It was great fun; Elizabeth kept on warning us about karma when we got cocky but cocky does not seem to matter when it comes to trivia games. Just look at the amazing success of my creative writing class in trivial pursuit, beating every other class and the staff.
Or maybe it's a simple case of when you have got it you have got it. And what I "got" is a lot of generally useless information stocked up in my head and no shame in singing it.
Love,
Mandy