September 26, 2003
Lost in Translation
I loved The Prince and thought there were a lot of useful lessons to be learned in power games and reaching goals, etc. But as much as I respect and understand many of the tactics described, I do not want to become Machiavellian in my high school conduct.
But somedays, especially the last two days, it has been difficult. I am especially focused on the ends justifying the means. The odd thing is my means are not really stepping on people's heads (though i still want to turn a stiletto heel by the ear of those people who cut me off in the parking lot the other day, anger management would do me good) but more self-mutilation in the purely metaphorical sense.
The homework and literary magazine stuff and everything else does me good, I learn and grow as a person. But unfortunately there are only so many hours in the day and in dividing up my hours my writing time is impoverished, which drives me nuts. Obviously not nuts enough, or I would sacrifice mroe sleep and make time. Sometimes I do not but not enough. I have this need to over-analyze things and maybe try to understand the world around me a little bit, writing it out helps me to do all of that.
Today after school I was editing some writing by a friend of mine and it did my soul so much good. There is something about tweaking words and picking out meaning and themes that makes my blood pump a little bit better. I was able to smile without anyone else provoking it, well besides the writing. But I think it was the task more than the author, even though I love the author deeply and all of that.
I watched an interview with Toni Morrison in my LIterature class and along with respecting her themes and so much about her style, I really appreciated hearing her talking about she strives to write in a kind of understated way to allow her subject matter to prove its own significance without her blowing it up with flowery language. She said something about how one should never use fiery language to describe a fire, because then you will never be able to see its glow. She said it more eloquently than I did, but I really respected that. I strive to do that too, the more I read the more I appreciate it.
Something in it sparked an idea in me. I realized that the people and activities that I cling to the most are the ones that challenge me. It is important I think to state that there is a distinction between being challenged and just being frustrated. As I write all of my ideas on my arm, I wrote down the names of people in my life that I really loved and how they challenged me. When they stop pushing me to be more in some capacity in my life I feel like our relationship has become static and useless once it is no longer mobile.
Tonight I saw Lost in Translation. Originally my plan was to just stay home and write, maybe watch Frida again. Right now I have three material items I really want: the new Outkast CD, Hot Hot Heat's CD, and some kind of reproduction of "My Dress Hangs There" by Frida Kahlo. I love that painting. But instead I got to hang out with Christian before he left for Amherst for the weekend and I loved Lost in Translation. It was nice to see a movie where I could genuinely laugh out loud and just be entirely absorbed. Plus I love the theater and the area it's in, afterwards we went to a fantastic little coffee shop where I had my first snickerdoodle espresso.
I think that writing college essays will be a positive experience for me, but part of me just wants to give them a few diary entries and let them judge for themselves if they want me at all.
When I think enough of myself that I think I need to have this public domain to express my thoughts, I have to wonder how it is I will condense the wonderfulness that is me into 500-600 words.
There were many lovely parts to my evening, but I think one of my favorites was when Ben told me that it was bizarre, but I am simultaneously beautiful and lovely. Even if he was drunk when he said it. Then I told him that I want him to be if not the voice of our generation, one of the loudest ones. And what is so wonderful about this exchange is I am sincere. I really believe in him, I think he is a fantastic writer. So many of the people that surrounded me at Northwestern are extremely talented and I feel so honored to know them. Many of them are already close to greatness and I cannot wait until they achieve it.
Something else wonderful is that I thought I would feel bad if I lost to one of my peers for the NCTE writing contest but today I learned to really appreciate and respect her in a way I had never been able to before. I am so glad I changed my judgment of her, it was narrow-minded and petty. We were talking about books and the way she paid attention to the craftsmanship and envied it made it even easier for me to relate to her and then understand her.
My other big revelation of the day is the easiest thing to do with those things that we do not understand or feel that are otherwise beyond us is to despise them. The struggle, a struggle I know will be profitable in the end, is to continue to try to understand things and fight the urge to dislike something simply because it is not a part of us. It is odd that when so many of us seem to be carrying around so much resentment of ourselves that we somehow find more hatred for anything beyond us.
Love,
Mandy