September 24, 2003
Parking Anger
It does not do anything good for my sanity when I am not able to update here like I want to/like to. Biology and European History are both a lot of work, like I knew they would be. I am learning a lot, though sometimes Euro feels too familiar, since I had the same teacher for Global History freshman year. Even though it is a long way off, I cannot wait until we start looking more at modern times because my knowledge of history past 1950 is extremely shallow, especially once we take out all pop culture references.
I do not know how much longer I am going to be able to handle my insane school parking lot, I do not have anything close to the patience required for it.
I have the oddest revenge fantasies. Or if they are not odd, they feel odd. Nevermind, I am sure they are bizarre.
Most of them are reliant on my huge ego. Take today in the parking lot, for example. One guy cut right in front of me while I was talking to myself "Come on, please don't be an asshole," (I talk through my problems). He looked right at me and did it, actually. So I thought to myself that he might as well enjoy it now because soon his nice car would be a p.o.s once his parents recognized him as the useless human being he is.
See, that is HORRIBLE. But when I am angry, especially when I am in that damn parking lot, any love I have for humanity vanishes. The right thing to do would be to breathe or pray or just relax. Oh noo, not me.
Yesterday I slammed the door so hard I set off my alarm system. It kind of fell apart (but I put it back). This is not good!! Stress is no excuse for having no self-control.
Or wanting to throw hand grenades when a girl cut in front of me right after the first asshole. She enjoyed how pissed off I was, I can tell. I am tempted to spray paint nasty nasty things on her car.
I become unglued. I followed the two of them, because it was the way I was going, but I thought to myself "I am going to find out where these bastards live, just in case..."
Sick sick sick.
Hopefully I will be able to channel all of this into college essays this weekend or just sit back and watch a movie and regain the fibers of my sanity. Threads mostly, now.
Lit was fun today, we got quite off topic. Again I was floored by the intellect and depth of analysis of one of my peers. I used to assure myself that my school girl crush to the nth degree was based on romanticized versions of the guy, but somedays I wonder if this is only my way of softening the rejection of inaction on both of our parts. Except he is probably not even conscious of his inaction.
I think I will finally put water in the bottom of my punching bag that I got for my birthday this weekend. Come my next parking lot crusade, my punching bag will be dutifully waiting in the basement to have the shit beat out of it. Beats getting dents in my car.
Love,
Mandy