September 29, 2003
Unequal Conference Rant
I just wish I knew what it was that makes me so easily frustrated.
I will admit that senior year brings specialized stressors that help to shorten my fuse, but I think there are more factors involved. My thought is if I could figure out the source maybe I could cut it and be somewhat closer to normal. More importantly, I could be less angry.
Mostly journalism is what is turning me into a wreck. I may not be going to the writing conference in D.C. that I had been assured I was going to in favor of some other people. The other people have been selected not based on their writing talent but on the fact that they want to do it as a career. Like me.
Nevermind that I have told my teacher that I am applying to journalism schools so I would like to be more involved, I am not interested in pursuing journalism at all. Nevermind that I have put lots of extra hours into writing and nevermind that I love writing and I am relatively good at it. Nevermind that I read the newspaper everyday and I have Reuters send me headlines as soon as I get home. Nevermind that one of the focuses of the conference is going to be covering foreign policy and I HAVE MY OWN PAGE ON WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
Because obviously, I am not really dedicated to anything that will be covered at the conference.
I know this would be an amazing experience and I always thrive around people who are interested in discussing world issues. I participated in Model Senate because I am genuinely interested in politics and one of my favorite things to do is debate with others issues like the war on Iraq and how to deal with terrorism. One of my closest friends bought me the book Why Do People Hate America? because he knows I am interested in understanding the cultural issues behind world problems.
I read books on Yassar Arafat for my health, obviously. And when I clip Op-Eds out of The New York Times it is only to add some variety to my journal, not because I admire writing styles or issues covered and want to be able to find the article again to show someone else how brilliant I thought it was. I almost had more confidence in my voice reading an article by Maureen Dowd outloud than when I read my own poetry.
I care about what is going on in the world and I want to be around other people that share that interest. That I have the opportunity to meet with a lot of people my age who have this unusual interest and that I may have it taken away from me because I am not the favorite of the class is more than unfair, it's appalling.
If the other two students had similar interests in learning about international news and the best ways to cover it, that would be something else. But I am responsible and talented. Not only can I do well in this kind of environment I THRIVE on it. Thrive thrive thrive. I could learn things there that could help me for years to come and at the very least help my school paper. I would be willing to try the new things and I think I could be successful.
Granted these are all things I should be telling my journalism teacher. But first I have to remember how to be mature about all of this and find a time to talk to her when she is not freaking out about getting an issue turned in on time.
On the bright side I did a lot better on my Calculus test than I thought I had on Friday, which is a relief. By taking advantage of my free periods I am almost ahead of schedule on my homework, which is also extremely nice. Taking breathers from time to time help in the literal sense to bring oxygen to my brain for all of that healthy functioning stuff. And more yay, I am talking to my mentor on Wednesday and we are going to figure out why I am struggling to come through with the kind of college essays I know I am capable of.
Accentuate the positive.
Screw it, I cannot keep myself from slipping in one of my favorite quotations of all time, even if it is highly disputed as to whether it was truly said by Thomas Jefferson. The source does not matter to me as much as the actual words:
"There is nothing more unequal than the equal treatment of unequal people."
Love,
Mandy