August 28, 2003
Inspiration by Slight
Of course there has to be a first day of senior year entry, right?
I drove to the parking lot, my car filling all the spaces of silence with the muffler all holey, and Christian was waiting for me. Apparently almost everyone else in the senior class got a case of the earlies, I was one of the last people of my friends to arrive. He was afraid he was not going to be able to get into the locker we were sharing, temporary panic ensued.
All of my old insecurities have come crashing down on me, issues of control and everything else. As much as ever I am not a team player by any stretch of the imagination and it is going to be difficult for me to be subordinate on the newspaper staff.
I need to just suck up my pride but it is so much easier said than done. I need to direct my focus to what is in my control and do it to the very best of my ability. And if I am not going to have an editing position on the staff I need to redirect my effort into making as fantastic of a portfolio as I can to save my sorry ass if I have any delusions of getting into the New House program.
::sigh::
I need to accept that New House is a dream I am just not ever going to realize. I will apply anyway, but I am going to have to turn out some amazing stuff if I want to be competitive. Almost every other applicant will be an editor, and while I am editor of my school literary magazine I do not know if that will be good enough.
I am going to try to look at this in a positive way, this is just going to be the thing that pushes me to be that much better.
Christian wants me to write an editorial on the issue without referring to a specific incident. His idea is brilliant the more I think about it, though I will have to think hard about actually publishing it. I still think it can be a portfolio piece potentially.
I also look at every challenge as being a potential college essay at this point. So now I will have more passion and voice and everything else to give to colleges. So in a warped way I am being helped by feeling slighted and screwed.
My Bio book comes with a nifty CD-rom, there was a solitaire-like game. The class will be a lot of work but I think it will be bearable. A former crush of mine is in the class and that always makes for fun stuff (but no bad behavior, I promise).
My other classes are pretty good too. Calculus is graded on a floating scale, which can only help me, I have friends in all of my classes and seventh period lunch is a little bit boring so I will use the time to write kick ass stuff like I know I should.
There is nothing like a fantastic article idea or other creative inspiration to make me extremely happy to be alive. I am extremely happy to be alive. Then I love Serena for noting that a lot of people, especially teachers, favor students who do not make them feel inferior at all. I do not think that is the case here but it was comforting to hear.
It was also nice for Thomas to say I should always come first, even though that is not accurate AT ALL. But again, it was sweet and I liked it and when my "fragile ego" has been chopped off a bit it is nice to hear.
Oh, and I know that this entry will get me guestbook messages accusing me of being an ego-maniac and self-centered. Oh well, it just means I am adopting the artistic temprament. Tomorrow I will compromise but tonight I am inspired.
Love,
Mandy
P.S. Very Happy 17th Birthday to Kim! Your present should be arriving at my house very soon and I will get it to you ASAP. Hopefully you will love it as much as I do and everyone else I have shown it to.