January 3, 2004
Health: Uneven Pulse
I went into break hoping to be productive. But about a day in I decided that I really deserved a true break, or at least I rationalized not being productive that way.
I tried to work on an essay about feminism in my life but realized I am not nearly feminist enough to write such an essay. All I could come up with was being appalled by a Family Circus cartoon about an oval kitchen and a realization that feminism is mostly a very specific philosophy, composed of lots of controversial issues that are difficult to declare positively right one way or another.
Lacking confidence I merely wrote about it but did not send my thoughts in. It seems like a lot of the feminist philosophy of today is centered around women in the workplace, issues like childcare and promotion and sexual harassment. I think most sexual harassment lawsuits, most lawsuits period, are ridiculous, at least used as a method of resolution. It is unfortunate that man's first instinct is to make a situation worse. Or maybe it's just greed and not instinct.
Then I also see the perspective of how women who choose to have a family should not necessarily be promoted at the same rate as men or women who take maternity leave and choose to devote a great deal of their life to the workplace. Ultimately the driven woman will not let a few months do any significant damage to her rate of promotion, if she is truly interested in her job and works hard to show it. My own mother ends up with the most billed hours in her law firm nearly every year despite having to deal with me. If it really matters to someone, I think at least eight times out of ten, if not nine, success will happen no matter what. For now I choose to believe we are the masters of our destiny.
Personally I am very conflicted on the whole childcare issue because I spent many hours in after school programs and day cares or homes of babysitters who already had several kids and figured that one more, for an income, should not make any large difference. If I have kids I hope I will find a caring, wonderful babysitter like I had for the first three or four years of my life or that I will have a job that will allow me to be home. Not having a job at all is not an option, at least not as I see it now.
Then I get to see the whole thing as a childcare worker and commiserate with the children who spend two to four hours of the day with me on a daily basis. I already worry about what some of these children are going to be saying to their therapists someday, talking about how their mothers always showed more enthusiasm for tennis skirts than coloring sheets drawn by their own precious children.
It may just all be a matter of distance. Enough distance to allow a child to make their own mistakes while close enough to nurture and comfort when necessary. Ultimately I think a child has to figure out independence on their own.
Over break I have spent a lot of time reading and other narrative distractions. Somehow I need to make more time for reading and creative writing exercises, if only for my own sanity. Both challenge me and remind me that I am this thinking human being. The only thing that halts me right now from reading is I fear that I will be too influenced by the writers I am reading right now and I fear that I am just covering the same themes over and over. Long breaks from responsibility allow for a lot of thinking time and frankly I am slightly sick of myself.
But as with all things, it will pass.
Of small note: this is my 800th entry. Amazing. Lately I have been hung up on the idea of progress, how have I made progress over the past months, year, the course of this journal? If anything I have grown to know my own faults and weaknesses; my struggle is perceiving the same habits in others and not becoming frustrated when they are not as anxious to change as I am.
Independence has either made me more flexible or simply more anxious to change to please others. I am coming to realize how ridiculous it is to please others not only for the obvious reasons like I have to hang out with me all the time but also because I realize that most people have no clue what they want and trying to anticipate the desires of others is exhausting and impractical. I cannot even anticipate all of my own actions.
For now my goals are hazy and titled "health."
Love,
Mandy