January 8, 2004
Distilled Distance
"I can feel the distance getting close"-"China", Tori Amos
While Tori speaks of distance as a less than favorable tone, in my own experience I have found that not only is there a purpose in some distanced, distilled relationships, but I am the better for them.
After reading book after book during break I seem to be gradually adjusting back to normal social skills. To prevent the change from being too sudden I write a lot of e-mails and handwritten journal entries and pour my heart out to the friends hundreds of miles away. My wonderful friends that I met away from home and high school serve as little islands of peace for me to remember what I most love about myself when I start to want to send myself away and also what I most love about other people when I find myself understanding the unibomber a little too well.
Lucky for all of us I have no mechanical skills and no real malice. Just a sharp tongue. I am one of the lucky ones who can roll it but unless a filling pops out there will be no revolver between my teeth.
Today at my literary magazine meeting I nearly glided back into a position of power. During break I started feeling like I was not cut out for any leadership positions at all, fearing I am doomed to live the solitary life of a free lance writer who cannot conjure people skills for the life of me. For our short issue we asked for works on childhood and at the beginning of the meeting I stood with one day until the deadline and a mere five submissions of unknown quality in hand. Danny and I started to prepare Plan B to expand the theme tremendously so we could have some kind of issue, figuring that our excellent cover artwork by Halley could still be used as long as we got rid of the title.
Then my adviser saved the time and came in with a large stack of submissions. We have an issue! Even more importantly for the first time in recent memory there are several poems that I am really excited to publish. One of the members of my staff (oh my ego, I love being editor at times like these) came through on her promise to provide lots of mini boxes of crayons to hand out with each copy, so we have both quality and a gimmick! We are as golden as a literary magazine can ever be in my school.
The only thing that frustrates me is there is one poem that I am quite sure is not a poem for two voices but I think it is so much more interesting if it is read that way. For the left column the writer talks about her parents' divorce and the struggles with it, on the right side she talks about the more frivilous occasions of Christmas, including a pink Barbie convertable. I had the same car.
I always love poems for two voices because I love dialogue. Double voice is also a useful tool but the exchange of ideas in a poem for two voices fascinates me and when a contrast comes out as beautifully as it did in the poem I read this afternoon it breaks my heart for it to be read any other way. I want to run up to the writer and congratulate her on creating something so genuine, heartbreaking, and symphonic. May we all orchestrate our memories so that violins bleed and woodwinds crack.
One of my friends said something about listening to the song "Karma Police", which I love for both itself and its concept, and I cannot help but wonder how severely a just Karma Police would punish me for some of the evil I have done, especially during the New Year. I become so wound up in problems and petty insecurities I act horribley, the best I can do is apologize profusely for hurting others, try to correct my actions, and continue to start my prayers with the people I understand and appreciate the least.
The good news is that when I am the prodigal daughter the distilled relationships are easily brought done from a shelf because my many other halves know that I sit as ready as anyone to be poured as needed.
Love,
Mandy