September 10, 2003
Bittersweet Potential
I keep on brainstorming fairly decent writing ideas but I am starting to realize that having good (occasionally more than good) ideas is like potential: it means nothing unless you do something with it.
Today I learned that some people come to school to get more action and that a summer really can do wonders for a person. Oh my god can it do wonders. It could be years, but I think it was a summer. I was standing there in awe of this guy suddenly becoming someone extremely attractive and trying not to blush while I stood there. It was a challenge to keep my mouth shut too.
Maybe my sometimes insane work ethic will not be such a horrible thing after all.
When it comes to me being attracted to guys it is often the case that I want the guy to have somewhat odd interests or be kind of awkward because I am the same way and it puts me at a nice comfort level. If self-assured people really do exist, I do not think I could be with one because I am far too much of a mess.
Then again I think I am far too much of a mess for anyone.
But enough of that! It does not appropriately reflect my somewhat giddy mood. I started writing Latin verbs over and over hoping to scrawl them into my brain in a similiar fashion, then I folded the sheet of paper up and made it into an oragami balloon. I am starting to think I should make any somewhat threatening sheet of paper into an oragami balloon because it is hard to quake at such a shape.
Part of me wants to print out extra copies of my college applications and make an oragami circus.
Sadly I am afraid I am going to have to edit my own paper tonight. How disappointing, I was so looking forward to a famous Kenji edit.
I am always amazed at the kindness of others. I knew I was friendly with one person but I had no idea that she was ready to defend my character when she sensed someone was attacking it. It makes me wonder if I would have done the same for her; I like to hope that I would have but I cannot be positive that I would have. I will now.
Then the funny thing is Hardball has taught me that now that she has defended me once, her loyalty is only stronger. What is heartbreaking is I know that there are several people who would claim to be much closer to me that would not put up nearly as strong of a defense on my behalf. The realization is bittersweet. As are most life experiences.
Tomorrow I finalize my list of colleges and take extensive notes on my European History reading. It should be good times; I think I will buy myself a cup of coffee on my way home as a sort of pre-accomplishment incentive. These things do not exist but oh well.
While my mind was wondering at work (as it tends to do) I started thinking about how everyone lives in various states of dreams. The younger ones especially live mostly for whatever their dream is and with the hope that it will be accomplished. Most people live with some aspects of their dreams realized and far too many people live with their dream going mostly unsatisifed. A few lucky ones have realized it completely but they adapt it because satisfaction is an entirely boring emotion once the first ecstasy has made its mark.
It seems that the chief downside to accomplishment is that people desire to strip you of your right to be critical from that point on. Now that you have what you wanted it is no longer allowed for you to have grievances, you are being too greedy or critical or just flat-out ungrateful. If there should be gratitude, and usually it feels like there should be not, the people that surround the successful should feel blessed that they are in the presence of someone who knows how to execute purpose.
Tomorrow I also get my house back. How ironic that the day I receive my freedom marks the anniversary of most Americans losing the freedom of peace of mind along with all of the other significant losses associated with such a tragedy.
Love,
Mandy