September 9, 2003
Simultaneous Ignorance and Innocence
My mind is in an odd garble (word or not, it is one now) of essay-like sentences, to-do lists, and page layouts. I gave myself a night off of sorts from homework to work, read a few pages, and do some Calculus and AP Biology reading. Tomorrow night I am giving myself the night off to take Euro notes.
Yeah, I think I have forgotten what a night off truly means too.
My college list is currently twelve colleges long, which is far too long. Hopefully it will be narrowed down to a more managable quantity, though it is difficult for me to see how right now, and until it is narrowed down (preferably on Thursday) I will continue to worry. It is what I know how to do.
Sometimes it is amazing the kindness people show me when I feel like I do not deserve it at all. Jess recopied her Latin notes for me because I missed class and I went to go get something to drink while she did it. I also did some Lit, but I still feel horrible.
My big thought of the day has been that somewhere along the line I think I confused the word innocence with ignorance. As I have grown older I am slowly starting to sort of the threads of definition. I could explore this idea more but it sounds like a college essay. Poignant and tears and all that.
The most exciting thing about my Biology class is that it inspires me with metaphors and all other kinds of cool language things. Plus I enjoy feeling more well-rounded; writing and history are lovely but I feel like I should stretch beyond my comfort zone of the humanities. I have plenty of time to specialize but for now I do not want to stifle my development.
I will skip over the rant of how dumb it is to spend one's senior year taking easy classes that will in no way prepare one for a year of college.
I showed my English teacher from last year the work I did at CTD at Northwestern along with the Literary Magazine that compiled some of the work of every other student. She said she really enjoyed it and while I talked to her about it I was excited all over again describing the writers and what I really enjoyed about their work. What is even better is she was there right along with me, seeming to remember every poem and name I said without the hints I tried to give her.
So the next time that someone complains about how horrible AP Language was I think I will remember that she understands the importance of detail and that she showed a genuine interest when faking it was entirely unnecessary.
Sometimes it is easiest to trust people when you no longer have to.
I am simultaneously everything. I am using the word 'simultaneous' like a comma these days. Nonetheless, I am simultaneously exhilerated and terrified (but maybe they are just different names for essentially the same spirit of emotion) by the decisions I will have to make this year. I just hope I will feel confident enough in my own judgment to make them instead of constantly deferring my future to others.
Love,
Mandy