January 23, 2004
Smith and the Sea
I really love Smith the more I hear about it and the more I think about it. The most difficult hurdle to get over with the women's college concept is that it is not just a "regular" learning institution but single-sex, especially since my closest relationships are with guys.
But the more I think about it the more I think I will be ok, if not much better for the situation. At Northwestern I learned that I am drawn to people who are ambitious and passionate, even if they do not have a twig and berries.
I can only spend so much time out in nature before my cheeks get burned anyway.
What I think I would learn at Smith is how to form better relationships with female and how ambition and other factors do not need to divide women. I think I could learn how support can be a good thing rather than ending ultimately in a weakened condition.
Yesterday my Smith interview put to bed a lot of my worries about ultra-liberalism, especially in the form of far too politically correct situations. My biggest concern with political correctness is it often ends up killing questions that can lead to understanding by thinking the word "challenged" will solve deeply rooted problems and misunderstandings. I loved my interviewer because she explained how people really do synthesize ideas rather than just stack up thesis walls at Smith. There are also close relationships with professors.
It also kicked butt that my interviewer reminded me of a friend of mine from Northwestern. She too is a writer, curious, open-minded, etc. She re-emphasized that sense of community that attracts me so strongly to Smith and it was just wonderful. I love interviews; I love being excited for the future.
Tonight I am going to temporarily escape my present via a flight to Florida for the weekend. While the idea of beach, sun, and warmth is all very attractive I would probably be just as excited if my parents sent me to a hotel room where the only way to contact me is to hope that my cell phone's ring drowns out the stack of books I plan to bring with me.
This morning I met with Christian for coffee before I leave. Yet again I was reminded of just how lucky I am to have him in my life, for keeping me in perspective to some degree and helping me to grow to be more considerate of others.
In my Smith interview I talked about how excited I was by Ayn Rand's writing and the idea of selfishness. My interviewer asked me if it excited me because I never thought of it myself or if it was because I never heard it articulated that way before. Mostly I think I have been taught that those inclinations are bad and hurtful towards others, though in some people it seems to be their saving grace. Like so many things I think I am trying to sit on a fence with glittering barbed wire.
While I waited for Christian this morning I started reading through the book Gift from the Sea I received from Smith last spring as my Smith Book Award. I am only 20 or 30 pages in but so far the introspective, quiet, patient mood with occasional spots of light reflecting from the water is doing me good.
The past couple of days I have heard advice that I know to be accurate, like stay guarded and lower my expectations. It disappoints me that it is accurate, though. In that same spirit I found myself underlining the following line from my book this morning:
A large part of life consists in learning a technique of tying the shoe-string whether one is in grace or not
I need guidance on how to coax the bunny rabbit into the cotton rope hole without ending up with it around my own neck. Along with seeking enlightenment and peace of mind through Sandra Cisneros and Michael Chabon I hope to be able to listen to my own heart a bit through prayer in quiet.
Peace I leave with you my friends, my friends, and I am with you till the end
- "Peace/Lamb of God" by Tom Conry
Perhaps I can leave some peace for myself in the process.
Love,
Mandy