July 20, 2003
Temporarily a Semi-Responsible Adult
I tried my hand at being a semi-responsible adult today.
Only semi-responsible because I feel fairly confident in assuming that most adults that can be classified as responsible do not spend as much money at American Eagle as I did today.
But otherwise I felt quite un-teenager like. I leave for Northwestern on Saturday, which of course translates into mandatory shopping for clothes and toiletries. So first I spent lots and lots of half-price t-shirts and tank tops at Kohls, along with a bunch of super cute and in some cases quite slutty underwear. I love how I buy this underwear that absolutely no one will see, or if they do see it, I will be horribley embarrassed.
But every now in then I am of the if you're going to do it, do it big school. So if my thong must be flashed to others by accident due to lack of belt or an overestimation of the powers of the belt, it might as well be pink and satin. Or have monkeys on it. Or be animal print.
I gathered conditioner and other necessities at CVS, got my watch fixed, and decided it was imperative that I hit American Eagle. Ohh cute stuff. What is it about sale signs that seduce me and make me think I need things more because they are only $8 or $20, depending on the item. I bought a super cute light sweater. When I wear it, it's the closest to hot I get: it's low cut, maroon, and when I wear my new pink bra under it, it peeks out and it's cute stuff.
In other words, I am using merchandise to get excited about Northwestern. I am actually looking forward to the perfecting of my craft, or if not perfecting then improving, and the whole immersion into creativity that I will make happen. Plus I enjoy meeting new people and exchanging ideas and perspectives. New experiences are the best. I learned so much about people when I went to Penn State and I expect a similar situation to happen this time around.
Do not get me wrong: I will miss my friends bunches. But I am planning to see some of my closest ones before I leave and stay in contact with them while I am gone, so it should be a positive experience over-all. I am almost becoming confident enough that I am not worrying as much that everyone will realize how much they really do not need me.
Mostly the new merchandise is to disguise my insecurities about being a girl from Cowtown. I have no idea where most of the people will be from, though my guess is the Illinois area.
When I went to Penn State I was one of the more conservative people there, at least compared to most of my friends. Of course Penn State had the super conservative girls that do not talk to boys or mention anything about sex without giggling and saying things like "You're so bad!", but I do not even bother comparing myself to them. I rarely bother comparing myself to people I could never be and I would never be the person who would refuse to talk to a boy simply because he is one.
So I am allowing my teenage girl to show and buying clothes that are only semi-me because I want to put forth not necessarily my best but my most likable self. At least for the first couple of days until I can be comfortable.
So I spent a bunch of money today to be comfortable. Oh wow, do we all seem absurd after close scrutiny?
Then after doing my "chores" and playing servant for my mom a little bit I started working on the dinner I told Kenji I would make. I have a whole new respect for chefs and everyone else who cooks, juggling so many things at once. When Kenji arrived he insisted on watching me in the kitchen because he thought it was funny to watch me run from stove to table to counter and in circles otherwise. Kind of like my dog when he is about to get his dinner. As Kenji commented about my dog: "I should put pencils on his legs because he runs more perfect circles than I can draw."
Our dinner put me back into adult mode: we drank out of wine glasses, the table was pretty in how it was set, we talked, it was great. After we tried Kenji's quite excellent Tiramisu Cheesecake (per my request) I made coffee for both of us.
Forcing Kenji to watch Sex and the City with Pat and I was a little less adult of me, but I am not ready to leave my teenage self behind completely quite yet.
Love,
Mandy