September 3, 2003
Rejection of Perfection
Kara and I have decided to wreak havoc (oh spelling skills, where for art thou?) on our AP Literature class.
Something I did not realize until this year is that many a senior in my school approaches the year with "What the hell, this is the end and I am going to college, I might as well sign up for one AP class." Biotches. I love them for challenging themselves and I hate myself for not having the patience to muddle around with them while they wait to catch up to the people who have been taking challenging course loads since challenging course loads have first been offered. Part of the appeal of the AP class is it moves more quickly but when people are constantly slowing it down by taking the class away from progress because they made a poor decision.
LIke I said, I have no patience. I need to better understand my damn elitism so I can appreicate others for whatever gifts they have to offer.
I showed Cave my article on Iraq, which was rewarded a "Woof" before he handed it back to me. In Cave-speak, I did a fantabulous job. I have a bit of a hero complex when it comes to Cave, I always get unnaturally excited about the teachers that I really respect and then in return encourage me to do my best. Off the top of my head I have three heros in my school, maybe three and a half: Cave, Schoenhoff (sadly retired, but still here in my heart), Jordan, and Miller for the half. Miller really rubbed me the wrong way with some of his religious speak; the more I read up on history though the more I realize that religion cannot really be taken away from the secular. It is all intertwined and twisted up, everything influences everything.
Which is why the world is so beautiful and fucked up, all at the same time.
For a Latin survey sheet I was asked the famous question of if I could have dinner with any three people, alive or dead, who would they be. Only now does it occur to me that this could have been an opportunity to drag in a person from Northwestern, but I went the celebrity route. I was almost tempted to write Erasmus but I thought that was overly pretentious, so I settled on Tori Amos (though sometimes I wonder if Ani would be more interesting), Frida Kahlo, and Ayn Rand. Odd of me that I did not pick any males too.
Kara and I are especially excited to get the discussion of whether one would want a perfect husband underway for The Awakening. We both said a big fat no, perfection just makes you feel inadequete and how else can you explain unhappiness except by blaming your lovers' faults? Or you could always pull a Diego Rivera and love your significant one for their faults.
I partially sympathized with the main character in The Awakening, Edna, because here she is living this life that looks perfect on the outside and yet she is not happy, so she cannot help but wonder what the hell is wrong with her on the inside. It is a pretty universal concept, especially if you are of the upper middle class variety. You have food, shelter, education, and people that love you yet there still is this feeling of something being missing.
My teacher asked if we thought the main character was being selfish. In one of the few comments of mine that I said loudly enough with enough silence padding the carpeting I cried in exasperation, "What is so wrong with being selfish?"
I still believe (oh god, Mariah Carey, eek) (and that horrible brown dress...with Whitney Houston. You know what I am talking about) that when you act truly in your own best interests the best interests of others will fall into place. I do not think there is a wide split. Or maybe interests is not the correct word so much as needs. Most needs are universal. Besides, one thing most people need. at least from time to time, is the euphoria that one gets from helping out someone else.
Taking care of each other feels good, as long as we do not lose ourselves or our identity in the process. Look out for your own needs because you cannot count on anyone else to do it for you and then do everything that is in your control to help fulfill the needs of others. That is all I ask of anyone and I think the world would be a pretty fantastic place that way.
You may say I'm a dreamer / But I'm not the only one
Is there anything John Lennon did not know?
Today I was paid $8.25 an hour to read my European History book and make more progress in Song of Soloman. For this I am glad.
And for Kara and a bunch of other things. I love that it was her idea to be uber bitches come Friday and not mine. And I am more than happy to go along with it because it feels like something I need. though it is probably just one of my fleeting interests that should make its escape promptly.
Love,
Mandy