August 21, 2003
I Think The Prince is Cool
The bad thing about studying gifted education is it has made me extremely sensitive to certain behaviors.
I understand that most of us act out of our insecurities and it is unfair to get angry at people for feeling insecure, feelings cannot be helped. So when I say I am slightly pissed off right now, I am going to direct my anger towards the behavior.
I hate that so many of us (myself included) feel the need to feel better than someone, if not everyone. And whenever we feel like we might be slipping, that someone might be putting us in our place or otherwise making us feel inferior, we start making excuses to try to tear down the person who is doing well. I just wish we could all be more supportive of each other.
The inspiration for the rant is someone was basically trying to tell me they have it a lot worse than I do and that they are more busy, so my reading four books in four days (go me, fuck it, I rock) does not mean as much. Nevermind the fact they have been in town for three weeks without the intense activity they have going on right now while I was at Northwestern for three weeks working my ass off. Yes, there was lots of socializing, but there was also a lot of work and doing my summer reading was not much of a viable option. I refused to sacrifice the social benefits of the program so I could get my summer reading done when I knew I would have a week and a half to do it when I got home.
I think this tearing down others behavior is more rampant in girls, but I may be way off on this. I have no idea how to cure the insecurities that motivate this spiteful action that just make people feel shitty, but I wish I did.
I remember sophomore year being pissed off because I had told someone I was stressed about getting my homework done and having to work that night. My audience was unsympathetic, declaring work a "choice" I had made and thus deserving no sympathy. I can definitely see her point, I could then and I do now, but I had listened to her complain about her sports practice and completing her homework on many occasions without giving her a priority speech.
I will not even bring up the fact that my courses were a lot more challenging. Whoops, I did. Oh well, my goal has always been to be sincere and I am sincerely petty, especially when I am angry.
On the much brighter side, I LOVE The Prince by Machiavelli. I probably would have enjoyed the book more if I had not read it all in one sitting, but whenever a book has a political edge to it I am immediately drawn in. In the middle of reading the book I had what I think is a really fantastic idea for a book.
I think it is such a great idea that I am paranoid about it and have only told two people about it, my mom and my AP European history teacher. I figure both of them would feel really shitty stealing an idea from me. And when I eventually reveal my idea, no one will think it was worth me guarding so much, but for now my paranoia is controlling me. I am so excited about it, though. But the way I figure it, I would need the book deal before I could execute the book the way I want to. Once I reveal my idea this will all be a lot more clear.
It became distracting for the middle section, so I may not be able to explain why it is better for a leader to be feared rather than loved as well as I would like. I wish all of the reading was political, I love/live for this stuff.
The more I read the more I realize I want to learn more. I think that I have a natural love for a lot of Russian literature and I am fascinated by so much of the Cold War stuff, something about communism really intrigues me and I would love to thoroughly study Berlin. I was reading through my AP Euro teacher's credentials and that is essentially his area of expertise, at least one of them, and I feel a little less original but I cannot help what I am naturally interested in. I am almost positive that I am more politically charged than him, and fuck it, I am a writer. I mostly have a handle on my identity for the moment.
I also remembered that one of the reasons I love Barnard is they have an Ayn Rand discussion group. It is one of those small touches that makes me feel like the school would really fit for me.
I still need to thoroughly reflect on Northwestern, I may start doing that tonight at work if I cannot bring myself to start reading A World Lit by Fire. I have two books left! They are long ones, but just two. I am glad that my faith in my self-discipline was not grossly mis-placed.
Love,
Mandy