November 7, 2003
To More Than One Dimension - Rent
Tonight I saw my favorite musical in the world, Rent from the second row. Except it's more like a pre-row, because we were sitting in the orchestra seats, we sat IN FRONT of the front row. And because Rent is a glorious play, we only paid $20 for our amazing seats.
Tonight reminded me why I love to do things a little out of the ordinary. Instead of being a regular ticket buyer, I forced Elizabeth and Christian to come with me right after school to sit in the lobby of the Palace theater and wait for the tickets to go on sale at six o'clock. While we waited we talked some with the people around us, who were all incredibley nice. One guy even brought pineapple bread and offered us some.
Part of the key was bringing cards in my purse. After a couple hands of Rummy, the girl behind me, Emily, and her cute boyfriend helped me to teach Elizabeth how to play Euchre. It was good times, we all got our cheap tickets and when we came to the show two hours later it was like coming to see friends. One guy took a deep interest in Christian's premedical education, assuring him that nutrition at Ohio University was the way to go.
The whole experience, beyond it being amazing to be so close and share an interest with so many great people because Rent audiences are inherently wonderful, reminded me that while I may not feel comfortable in the high school environment, it does not mean I am doomed to never be comfortable anywhere. I listened to people talking about partying and getting drunk or delighting in getting dressed up for one of my high school traditions and I could not be anything but astounded with their ability to find happiness in high school or at least to assemble an appearance of happiness. I cannot fake but then again I do not want to, because I hate to feel insincere.
But at this point I cannot see drinking on the weekends at this age as just that, especially considering that one of the deaths at my school is rumored to be alcohol-related. If the rumor is false, the haze should be enough to convince people to think a little more carefully, because sometimes those actions (obviously) have tragic results. But when people talk about drinking, I cannot see it as something purely fun. Instead I wonder what pain it is that people are trying to numb or why they feel like the only way they are worthwhile is if they lose their inhibitions and sense of self.
To each their own and I will never preach to others about those choices as long as they are responsible, but a person should know his own motives and at least go into unhealthy behavior knowing that they are being slightly masochistic. Or maybe even look for a lasting solution.
But mostly, Rent was amazing and I want to make out with the guy who played Gordon/the drug dealer. At several points in the play I fantasized about telling him how absolutely gorgeous he was after the show and begging him to press his lips against mine; and it did not seem incredibley absurd. Infatuation is at least temporarily potent stuff.
While I was driving home tonight I also started thinking about my whole inability to find an Ohio boyfriend. I really have given up on the boys in my high school not because I think I am so much better than them or that they are for some reason sub-par. It just happens that as far as I know, none of them fit who I am at this point. There are several guys that come close, but I think a pursuit of the closeness beyond friendship would be an unnatural, forced manipulation. For now I need to stop looking for something meaningful in the opposite sex (beyond the deep friendships, which I hold tightly in my fingers) and just take flirtatious conversation for what it is. I may not fit but maybe I am not supposed to; I am all for compromise when necessary, but I have not found the necessary situation that requires me to compromise myself for high school. I doubt I will find it.
Love,
Mandy