April 3, 2004
Lent Resolution
Though I fail frequently enough, I feel like I am getting better at controlling my impulses, especially those to be petty. I find myself wanting to write a pointed away message or something "mysterious" here and I catch myself, most times. So maybe over this course of this online process of examination I have grown a bit.
That sounds like a farewell and it is not quite yet.
It also feels odd that so many people I know where they are going to be next fall. Part of me wonders if it really feels true and real to them. I am still unsure of where I want to go and will be until approximately April 17th, once I have visited Smith and given it an opportunity to woo me until my knees are so weak that I cannot say no. Otherwise I cannot break the heart of Syracuse, which is what they seem to be suggesting I will do if I turn them down.
My English teachers are insisting how proud they are of me for the Syracuse offer and consider it to be unthinkable that I would not accept it. It is rather frustrating, I am not the type who discusses my personal life with my teachers or anything else along those lines, yet despite my efforts to stick out no more than necessary I am pressured by them as though they are my peer group.
But my decisions are kind of a swinging pendulum.
In more exciting news, Alison's sister just had a baby boy! I need to buy something incredibley cute and wonderful for him tomorrow.
All of these signs that I am closer to adulthood still feel unreal. If I closed my eyes and guessed my age, I have no idea what number I would land on. In some ways I have been thirty since I was eight, in other ways I feel closer to twelve when I think about paying my own bills and looking for an apartment to rent.
Something unsettling is I realize that if I get my eyebrow pierced like I want to, I have no idea where I am going to be able to work. It just would not fly very well at the country club. Most of the kids know me well enough to be temporarily fascinated then move on, some would probably love it as they loved my braces when I wore them. Can we help it if we all like that which is most decorative at heart? Other than sell insurance by phone or something, I do not think I can be hired with one.
Which sucks. Because I really want one and I do not have bangs to hide it. Eventually I will figure it out, if anyone has any temporary career suggestions I would appreciate it.
The first person my age that I knew to be an aunt is also the first person my age I knew to be a mother (not Alison). She broke her resolution for Lent when we were younger to have a piece of her sister-in-law's birthday cake. No particular signifance in all of this, but sometimes I find it interesting to list the details I know about someone and see if it leads to any conclusion or ironic pause.
I do not make resolutions for Lent anymore, except for not eating meat on Fridays, mostly for the same reason I do not participate in making New Years resolutions. I aim for self-improvement all the time, no matter how much I may fall and fail.
Not ironic but unfair is the loss of an hour tonight when all I want is more time before I have to make a decision.
Love,
Mandy