April 9, 2004
Bubblegum
I have always been fascinated with the concept of diaries, journals, logs, whatever you wish to call them. When I was younger I liked reading books written in the form of a diary (::squirm:: I even read the Sweet Valley diary books, a few of them). Since the middle of eighth grade I have kept at least one journal fairly regularly, though that has fallen to the wayside a little bit this year.
I think part of what appeals to me about the diary is the feeling of vulnerability and honesty there, though sometimes the last person we can all be honest with is ourselves. I like that a journal can be used to give voice to thoughts that are too personal or boring or irritating to be said aloud to others. Most of us never find a person we can be so brutally honest with, knowing that we will not be rejected.
Sometimes I read the online diaries of the people I know and feel jealous at their style or the way that they can express some of their thoughts without feel false or pretentious. I can do that privately, sometimes without scratching it out, but when it comes to doing it publicly I feel silly.
So I am about to feel silly.
I am also a sucker for good conversation and I had that last night. Until last night I had never set up the bubblegum dispenser lamp that Christian gave me for Christmas because the idea of pouring water into something so close to something else electrical terrified me. Last night I turned out the lights and if I was not hypnotized by the balls spinning chipped by bubbles I was absorbed by the changing colored lights that swirled on the ceiling.
As I feel like I do my best thinking when driving, I may have my best conversation when distracted by something else. Or at least feigning to be absorbed in something else. It can be a relief to claim to not be fully conscious of words and only acknowledge an inanimate object.
I think that lamp is now my favorite Christmas gift, not for what it is (though I do appreciate the thought, people are always giving me gifts with the thought of de-stressing me) but for what it allowed to happen. The lamp is only the catalyst but there always need to be an initial spark if any kind of fire or arson is going to happen.
Love,
Mandy