October 11, 2003
Hocking Luther
When I watched Luther today I started thinking about how in some ways the Bush Administration is kind of like the Catholic Church during Luther's reformation. Then 'heretic' was the name for people who questioned the Church, now those critical of the government are 'unpatriotic' or commiting 'treason' if we are to believe Ann Coulter.
I decided when I have time to read again I am going to read her book, even if it kills me, so I can be more balanced in my knowledge of radicals on both sides. Tums should alleviate most stomach ailments that will result from such reading material, or so I will hope.
I want to take two weeks off of life to sit in a cocoon and read.
When I was little I used to build a nest out of my bed when I had trouble sleeping. I would arrange my blankets in a circule around my pillows that I would sit in the center, then curl up into a ball. I do not know if it was the chicken that came first or the egg, but I was the egg for a while. I cannot remember if I fell asleep in that position, though I think from time to time I did. Now that I think about it this memory could add a whole new dimension to one of my Northwestern poems.
Nifty.
My eyelids want to concede to the night but I want to write out a few more paragraphs. My lack of diary writing lately has left me feeling vapid. I find it hard to imagine that I am so busy that I cannot bother to write anything at all in here, but it is easier to see the reality when I remember that I feel guilty spending time writing here when I should be sleeping or studying.
The odd thing is I love writing in here so much and I consider it to be so important, but at the same time I consider it to be a luxury. Damn me for letting it be the first one I hock. Putting it to a universal level as I always tend to do with these kinds of things, I think most of us consider that which we love to be a luxury. And so we give it up and make ourselves miserable for some higher cause that we can name for a moment but forget in a lifetime.
I know in the scheme of things my high school G.P.A. will not matter. But right now it does and pretending otherwise would be insincere. I know it is unrealistic to say that I will not get into any college but somedays it feels that way. Especially after one piece of mail I received today that I do not wish to talk about. I am fairly confident no one will ask me about it since no one really reads for details anymore.
In my SAT today there was a passage where a woman talked about her love for writing. She said she made a terrible scholar because she hated to read things only to draw out what was important and to commit it to memory. I thought that was beautiful; my overwhelming temptation is to just read and try to absorb everything, even if it is not possible to do so. And even if it was, I am not sure if I would truly want to.
Tonight I want to know a little bit more about what the future has in store for me. Not details, just broad things. I want to know that I will go to a college worthy of my high school work and I want to know that at some point I will have someone I love as much as they love me and I want to know that I will find a job. I just want to be a little more grounded.
It will pass. As with all things, once the sleep deprivation is gone, this will pass.
And isn't it funny how we all become friends when we want to get farther ahead in a line?
Love,
Mandy