June 7, 2004
High School Graduate
I am a high school graduate but I do not feel it at all yet. I am going to college this fall, but not really. I do not feel that either, but I do feel urgency and a desire to desperately know which pre-orientation program I am in.
Ahh, anxiety. Now that is a familiar feeling. I can start to feel more like myself.
My favorite part of all the graduation festivities is the gift giving; and when I say that, I mean my giving gifts to other people. So far I feel like I have come up with some pretty thoughtful gifts. I also love writing cards, because it is essentially an opportunity for me to tell people how absolutely wonderful I think they are and how much they mean to me in general without getting strange looks.
Plus the game Loser is really quite fun!
My favorite piece of mail from the past few months had to be my thank you note from my friend Libby, who said that my present was the most meaningful one she received. She told me about how when she was taking art classes in our high school she always felt like she was rejected for not being angry or emotional enough. So I bought her a book of advice for artists from artists with a note mentioning this and how much I admire her for not needing to rely on her angst as a crutch for her creativity.
I am always pissed off by the people who claim that they can only write when they are upset. I admire the people who have the discipline to write under any and all circumstances much more, because they are truly developing a craft and they tend to rely less on profanity to carry their message.
I just wrote out my second lengthy card of the season; probably my last one, since I do not like to write lengthy ones to the people I am good friends with now. It feels too final and my former close, close friends should be finished now.
All of these lengthy cards come with fair notice that they should not be surprised if they somehow end up in my writing sometime in the future. Some of them are already in my writing. One is probably my most frequent subject, or right up there. I am so used to assuming that he and I are tied together despite everything that I refuse to admit that the distance will probably result in my barely ever seeing him anymore. Anymore, not just this year. Oh god.
I cannot help but marvel at how people interact now that we have graduated. Beyond the drunkenness of last night, there was some nice cross-clique interaction and one boy who I have barely spoken to despite going to school with him for 6 years instructed me on how to best hold a gun for the game House of the Dead II.
Whenever I would go to play the gun video games I would shout about going to rid myself of my sensitivity to violence and respect for human life. If I do it consciously, is it really controlling me? Or what if I realize that is a VIDEO game and do not become a homicidal maniac? What about that, Joe Lieberman?
My parents and my aunt and uncle got me a pretty, pretty new Dell computer with a CD and DVD burner, among other features. It is light and silver and I plan to write many term papers on it; I hope to avoid swearing at it for a good six months or so.
I had the strangest dream last night, where one of my teachers told me that I could have a relationship with someone (a specific someone) if only I would let the relationship happen. I am on the fence on the issue of whether or not dreams mean a thing, but any interpretations will be entertained. Currently I am wondering if I just let the teacher voice my own suspicion, and if so, whether a part of me wants to act to possibly confirm or refute the idea.
I keep on buying books for people, which means I keep on going to Barnes & Noble and lifting up the copies of Kafka short stories and sadly putting them back. I cannot figure out why I love Kafka so much, especially "The Hunger Artist," but I do love that story so much. For some reason I am attracted to the stories that explore the ugliness in people's nature.
I love the beauty, too, but the ugliness is what grabs me.
Love,
Mandy