April 27, 2004
Grub
My Smith decision is in and my heart is about a thousand pounds lighter, at least in that respect.
I started questioning some of my behavior today. To see if I was being stubborn and unreasonable in one respect, then antagonistic and elitist the next.
And fuck what others think, I know that I am doing what is best for me, even if that means that sometimes I am stuck looking out of a pigeon hole. I will be flying the coop soon enough. And my new nest will be high and though I will try my best not to, I will be able to shit on people from so high they will not be sure where it is coming from.
My newest idea is that I am meant to be alone. No pity or anything, just the realization that I am so self-centered and focused on my own aims that there is not enough room for caring for anyone else and even less room to allow others to care for me.
I keep on wanting to leave this city. I need to come up with a summer plan of some kind to flee sooner. Oh the unhealthiness.
On the bright side, I am feeling more confident and happy than I ever have before about one of my older relationships. It was so nice to talk without awkwardness or any kind of cryptic language.
I tend to guard myself a la that crap. Build forts of words and cold shoulders and uncertain glances, along with a few odd insults or passions and the isolation is complete. But I still think it may be for the best for now, if only to spare others of that time between grub and moth.
Love,
Mandy