September 16, 2003
Bathroom Aggravation
I am less than proud of myself for what I am about to do in the next couple of days. Mostly I am ashamed of the fact that I am not willing to take as many risks as I want or allow someone else to censor me before I censor myself.
Right now I am working on two articles, one on Arafat and another on how eating disorders are not being recognized in many African Americans and how it is hurting them. The book I am using as one of my main resources, especially for discovering why the disease is considered to be an affluent white female problem has a large focus on eating disorders not being recognized in lesbians. And I am not going to take advantage of the resource at all.
At this time, feeling slightly hopeless and useless that I am not willing to push my high school in ways it does not want to go, I hope that I will start challenging the walls of homophobia before the school year is out. It would be fantastic for the growth of everyone but also painful to do an honest article on how strong homophobia is at Kilbourne not only in the student body but in some of the faculty members. It may be more of a fantasy rather than a practical endeavor but optimism does my soul some good. Especially when I am being shitty.
On the bright bright side, my sophomore year AP US History teacher still rocks as much as ever. Now that I have Cave again I do not miss US History as much as I did during government (kindness can never match biting wit), but reading through the interview questions that I had my US History teacher answer for me makes me nostalgic. I can always count on him to be blunt and extremely intelligent and informative. It just reminds me how blessed I am that the History department at my high school looks the way it does.
As I am getting used to balancing my courseload and responsibilities I find myself constantly amused and slightly amazed at what I can accomplish. I am hoping that further into the year I will figure out better time management than I am employing right now, but at least I am getting everything done when it needs to be and doing relatively well on my tests. Well almost everything done, I am sucking when it comes to social obligations.
My grandparents' 50th Anniversary party completely knocked my week off-kilter. Being a far more selfish granddaughter than I would like to be, I cannot help but feel slight stirrings of anger at being deprived of what is now becoming a regular Saturday morning practice to go to the library and research my articles. I know I could write acceptable articles with less research but at this point in my high school career I am creating higher personal expectations when my teachers do not set the bar high enough.
And I think all of this work is making me a more intelligent human being over-all. This is obvious in that I am cramming my head with facts until they pour out of my ears, but what is developing even more is the more that I do quantities of reading the better I am at analyzing and understanding information that should really be pure Greek to me.
I also am beginning to think that my more positive attitude about Biology, opposed to my "I am an idiot" attitude that I brought to the table in Chemistry, is really paying off. It probably freed up a whole new section of my brain; I am just amazed at all I can learn (and still retain fairly well) when I force myself to do it. Unfortunately my junior year scheduling screwed me over so I had to wait until this year to learn this kind of thing.
I had no idea how much I missed really being challenged. Or maybe I just was never truly challenged before. I sincerely hope that I get into an academically rigorous school because without intensity I fear I will waste away. I can always try to create my own intensity and every University has a certain element of it, but it would be fantastic if it could be built into the system.
I also sincerely love Schoenhoff, my English teacher from Freshman and Junior year who I am still e-mailing back and forth with. I asked her if she would mind editing my college essays for me and she told me she was "counting on it." I am meeting her for coffee Friday afternoon and I am thrilled that this mentoring relationship is another thing that seems to be really going my way.
Still it is my constant struggle to try to live up to all the luck I have. It is not easy and inevitabley I will fail, but it is my goal to fail valiantly. Essentially I want to score an F+ for my efforts. Close to a D, but not quite.
One of the pet peeves that is currently making me twitch is how I am constantly being cleaned up after in my bathroom. I used to be extremely messy, especially in the bathroom, until the recent past. Then I could understand needing to put away my eyeshadow, etc. But now all I want is to keep out my toothpaste, contac case, and contac solution. Three things! Three pitiful things. Instead they are stuck in a cabinet that has to be pushed for it to open and I have to stop to try to decide if the cabinet is already open so it does not need or push or if it does in fact need a push.
Of course I am wrong fifty percent of the time.
Yes this is bitchy and petty and whiney. But so is the nature of pet peeves. And it is driving me nuts! When all I want to do is put my contacs in while still half-asleep and stick a toothbrush in my mouth, hopefully with toothpaste on it, it makes life slightly more difficult when I have to coax cabinets open.
Plus. PLUS. It is my bathroom. NO ONE ELSE USES IT. My dad used to shave in it but he does not anymore so now it is just mine mine mine MINE. Someone is cleaning up after me and theoretically it is for my benefit but truly it is for my aggravation.
I cannot believe I just wrote four paragraphs on my bathroom. I get an F-.
Love,
Mandy