July 2, 2003
Welcome to My Planet
When I was leaving summer school today I noticed a truck that was flying a confederate flag.
If there is anything that instantly pisses me off, it is seeing a confederate flag. I did not grow up in the South nor have I ever lived in the South, so I only understand the confederate flag to be a symbol of racism and hatred. I can sit in my car and wrack my brain and I still struggle to come up with any positive connotations for the flag.
But with that kind of symbol, all that matters is the first reaction. Unless...no, I am very unforgiving about this kind of symbol. This person is not stupid and he knows what the first thing that comes to people's minds is and he choose to fly the damn thing. If he had some kind of sentiment about the South (maybe a relative fought or he is originally from there, etc) he could get a tatoo. He is publicly declaring that the South will rise again.
My theory is that his white hood was a little too suffocating in the Ohio heat and humidity. Plus it's really hard to hold a flaming cross when you are trying to navigate our highways.
Because I get so upset over this little thing, I am more convinced than ever that I cannot go to college in the South. It would not be good for my cardiac health. Besides, no one needs an ulcer by the age of 20.
For my persuasion topic in Speech I am researching and will be speaking on the importance of gifted education at an early age. This issue first came up and captured my attention during the Spring budget cuts for my school district. I wrote about my passion for the gifted program here if you want to refresh.
The more I read on the topic, though, the more depressed I became. It is far too easy for gifted students to become isolated and grow to strongly dislike themselves. With the right support system and the right personality a gifted student can really excell, but in many cases gifted students learn to hate themselves for being different and end up acting out in big ways to prove that they are 'normal.' There was also an observation that many exceptionally bright girls end up being more sexual than they otherwise would and slightly more 'easy' because they think that intelligence prevents them from being feminine and any positive attention in that case goes a long way.
Currently I am reading the book Welcome to my Planet. At first the writing style of it (snippets of scenes and somewhat vague relationships of characters at first) got on my nerves but without many other books to read and my general curiousity, I started reading through a good chunk of it today at work.
The book is good because I mostly enjoy it but bad for me mentally only because the main character is depressed and I find myself identifying with her far more than I would like to. I always find myself either successfully identifying with a character or trying my hardest to identify with a character when I read a book, it helps me to feel more attached, interested, and involved in the story. I would wonder about this habit of mine but I know that most people end up doing this whether they care to admit it or not.
What freaked me out is that last night I was talking to a friend of mine about some of my odd hang ups. Among them is unreasonabley high expectations for myself and others, and the same is said for the character. I was also told that I focus too much on what motivates other people and what other people are feeling and trying to compensate, etc. Then the therapist in this book complains of the same problem with the main character and says that she needs to stop analyzing other people so much because it only becomes another way for her to stay in her head.
So I wrote the quotation down in my written journal to keep that in mind for myself. I am not always wise or thoughtful and sometimes I do not listen like I should, but when I recognize good advice I try to do my best to remember it. And for me, I remember by writing.
My dearest friend Christian was trying quite hard to be mentioned in this update and if me giving him a small mention makes him happy, I figure it is the least I can do for him considering all the things he does for me. And in this case I will be quoting him on saying something incredibley kind if not wholely accurate after I told him that sometimes I contemplate quitting this diary:
You should just keep going because your diary may serve as an out for you, a place of refuge, but it also serves as information to others. It forces others to evaluate thier own lives the way you do. We all aren't lucky enough to have Kenji's to turn to, whatever you do don't stop.
It is too bad that we are not all lucky enough to have our own personal Christian, either.
Love,
Mandy