August 19, 2003
Summer Reading/Sleep Deprivation Stress
I read the Awakening today (the last chapter sucks SO much), I mostly enjoyed it except the writer far too often told instead of showing, giving it an eery essay-like feeling at parts. She also had character bios and those are just annoying. My creative writing class at NW would have ripped her book into tiny pieces, and she would have been found sobbing behind our teacher's desk.
There is always a bit of a delay for me realizing that I miss people a bunch. I was at work, one of the places I can do nothing but think since watching kids if far from demanding mentally, and it hit me how much I really missed some people. I was not going to be able to go home and walk down the hall and sit on someone's bed and start whining about my day. I checked the halls, and no one is there. One of the disadvantages of being an only child, I guess.
The only fair thing is for everyone I love to move right here to Columbus. If they do not like it, well hell, no one likes living in Columbus. They will just fit in better that way.
The song "Comfortable" by John Mayer makes me feel more tranquil.
But why do I need to feel tranquil, you ask?
I waited until the last minute, practically, to do all of my summer reading. I am not a born procrastinator so having to read during most of my waking hours combined with some sleep deprivation and my bathroom being remodeled, I am quite cranky. Then I feel guilty when I do not hang out with my friends because it is not their fault that this is how it is, but I feel just as guilty when I hang out with them instead of doing my work.
The worst part is that the only person I can get angry at this is myself. Being mad at myself is horrible, there is no way to escape it. I say to myself "go away", but I always follow so there is no chance to just cool down before excessively cruel comments are said. I am chipping away at the self-esteem Northwestern built for me far too rapidly in all of this.
It pisses me off that I have not had time to sit down and write and properly analyze/process my whole experience. I hope I will be able to find some time to do that next week. ::crosses fingers::
Tomorrow I have registration; I have to pretend I'm happy to see people. Who doesn't look forward to answering the question "How was your summer?" a bazillion times? I don't think anyone even really cares about the answer that much. If you cared, you would not have to ask. You'd already know because you talked to the person during the summer.
Tonight I realized that I have a need to feel like I am better than at least someone. It is a horrible place to derive self-confidence from and I will try to work on that, but for now, that is just how it is. I think it is a pretty universal weakness, though. So far I think I may have found one person with self-confidence, but I have to ask them if they think they have it to find out if people with healthy self-images really exist.
Once my summer reading ceases kicking my ass I hope I can start writing proper entries again. The stress and everything else has made me so angry that I can say with confidence no one is missing much.
Love,
Mandy